On the Height of the Bar

This is another negative post. I am actually more cheerful overall right now, I'm just having a few negative thoughts I want to get over and done with.

One of the things that first hooked me into pole dancing was the feeling that I was doing something extraordinary. I mean, what percentage of the population can actually pole dance and do tricks? Most people see a pole and do some silly grinding whilst pulling hideous faces. I'm not a person with a long history of dance or gymnastics training, just a slightly feral child- and young adulthood, but I could get good at pole.

With the influx of ballet dancers, gymnasts, trained dancers and contortionists into pole dancing all bringing their expertise, performance experience and flexibility to bear I find it really easy sometimes to be discouraged. Even though I love YouTube and all the amazing polers on it, there can sometimes be no quicker way to destroy confidence in your own ability than watching some new dancer with a background in dance/gymnastics flexing all over the place, showing amazing strength and control as well as lighting up their environment with their performance skills. All I can think sometimes is - damn. I'll never ever get that good. I might as well give up trying to be any good.

And I know that's a rubbish attitude to take. My father always went on saying when I got like this: 'you'll always find people who are better than you and people that are worse than you at anything. The only meaningful comparison is with yourself'. That's definitely true, but sometimes its hard to just accept that and not compare yourself negatively to the truly amazing people.

I've not really got any conclusion to this. I'm a bit sad that pole is becoming a bit less of the 'everywoman' activity that I felt it was at the start. But really, that's just how things will be. There is no such thing as a level playing field. Those that have training from a young age to be good at these things will be. I just have to compare me to me, and I've no reason not to be pleased with how I've progressed in two years in all sorts of areas (yup, this is probably around my two-year anniversary at the moment - yay!).

It's amazing how much pole as an activity is progressing. There is so much new stuff and so many variations and it's exciting to be part of something that is constantly evolving. The height of the bar is constantly being raised. It's only a very few who can consistently keep up.

Decision Point

So, I am currently at a point in my life where I am questioning what I am doing. I started a PhD in October, after waiting a year to get some money to do it. I got a fee waiver, but no money to live on. Thus, I am living on what I earn from the day job and undergraduate tutoring.

The problem with waiting a year was the passion for the subject I had hardened into cynicism and doubt in my own ability. I feel a lot of people in my area are up their own asses. I fear that I will crawl up my own into irrelevance. I am currently suffering from a lack of motivation and confidence in my ability to write and analyse. I've also been unable to devote as much time to things as I could have over the last few months thanks to lack of money, Pole Divas, family and my own rubbishness.

I'm not sure anymore what I'll get out of it. I have no illusions that jobs in my academic area are cushy or abundant. I do enjoy teaching adults - I enjoy engaging with the undergraduates I tutor. I find that intrinsically rewarding. The hope was I could do that as a lecturer. That now, seems quite unlikely, hearing the horror stories of those that have recently submitted. A year ago I wanted to work to see if I could achieve a PhD in something I felt passionate about and prove to myself I am capable.

I feel now that I may have gone in to academic study from my fear of the job market. I had such a shitty time searching for temporary work starting in September last year, that it's made me weary of the job market, I was applying at the time it was contracting badly - but that does not seem to have become any better recently. I am scared of leaving what is relatively 'safe' and throwing myself out in search of a job. I am terrified of being unemployed and having to search from scratch again.

However, the PhD is making me feel rubbish about myself and my worth as a person. I had a meeting with my supervisors today and they are not helping. Their response to my lack of motivation was to say essentially that I'd not made satisfactory process and should go part-time. That was not helpful. Going part-time would not motivate me to work. It would marginalise me from what I'm supposed to be doing and screw up the few financial benefits I get as a student.

That said we did discuss a few things that interested me and would be good to write on. I am willing to give them a try. My plan is to discipline myself to work. Give it until the end of August/September to see if I can get this back, if I can't and I hate it by then - I will quit.

It frustrates me because I have had such an awesome time with all the pole stuff that I've done at the same time that all this is happening. I'd love to make that the focus of my life. I just don't know if there are any options in this area for me to support myself - no performance or teaching oppertunities - and if there are I don't know how to promote myself or have the capital to establish anything. It's sad, because I know what I love and what has made me happy over a difficult year and half.

(The photo at the top is from the day I had the Jenyne Butterfly masterclass - whilst I was waiting for a train to Liverpool - just thought it was beautiful).

Reviewing, Goals and Such

As it's the new year and it'll be two years at the end of this month since I started pole dancing I'll do a little review and set some goals for the next year.

I went to my first pole dance lesson at the end of January 2008. I'd started an MA course in the previous October, before that I'd had two jobs that kept me active. Transferring from that to no exercise made me feel terrible. I tried to get into some new sports and old ones I'd liked, but couldn't. I'd heard a lot of fuss kicked up about pole dancing from feminist writers and seen defenses of it from other writers and about that time I heard of two people who were friends of friends who'd started pole dancing. My now-former housemate and a friend decided to go for a lesson and I decided to join them. They pulled out, but I got the details of the class and trekked out across Sheffield to go to the class. I loved it. To my surprise, I picked things up easily and found them fun. I hurt for days afterwards and had massive bruises, but I felt great. It felt like a natural extension of types of movement I'd done all my life (I was lucky enough to grow up next to sub-tropical jungle - I spent the first 18 years of my life climbing things).

This year I entered three competitions and came second in two of them. That's better than I'd ever expected. I've managed to discover my own style of tricks and go further with it that I knew I could. I've taken classes with Sally-Ann Giles and Jenyne Butterfly. I've mastered a number of tricks I thought I'd never be able to do. I overcame my serious fear of the shouldermount and now love it.

This year I am going to be less tricks-focused. My initial learning of pole had a fitness slant, which is about mastering tricks - and for me, it can get a bit like going through a checklist. Having seen how pole dance as dance actually works I want to aim for that. I want to be able to do things gracefully and move smoothly. So, one of my main goals for this year is to work on my presentation. I need to make sure I point my toes and sort out my hands and arms so that they make good lines. I also need to work on my dance style more and get confident just dancing. I've been working on it for about a month now and it's already paying off - I feel quite happy about the last challenge I did:


My other big goal is to work on my flexibility. I am capable of getting front splits, I just need to dedicate myself to it, which is something I'm really rubbish at doing. I will try and get them by March on my good side if possible. To help this I've already started to go to yoga classes to improve my overall flexibility and to help me with technique. I'd like to get splits on my right side and box splits, but I'm certain they'll take a long time. I will also work on my back flexibility, which is the one type I have naturally. I want my head to touch my feet :)

Having said that I'll focus more on technique and transitions than learning tricks, there are two that I really want to be able to learn this year. They are the phoenix (reverse grab to twisted grip handspring) and to be able to handspring up the pole.

Now that my money situation isn't as completely dire as it was I will start taking circus classes. Greentop opens again on the second week of January and I'm dragging people to a trapeze class. My boyfriend's Christmas present to me was to buy me a place on an aerial silks and trapeze workshop at the end of January. I really want to learn trapeze, silks and hoops. I may also have a go at chinese pole.

Looking forward to the rest of 2010! I've sent off my entry for UKAPP this year and intend to have loads of fun making a routine for that!