Overwhelmed

(which I learnt today is actually a metaphor - it refers to falling into the water off a boat)

So, Sunday is the Pole Divas final and I'm not feeling good about it. The last month has been hectic. I've started in earnest on the PhD and the year I've had off has lost me a lot of background knowledge about the area. It just slips out of your head if you don't engage with it all the time. I'm finding hard to write and formulate ideas. In addition to this, I've been organising moving house, which will hopefully happen before Christmas (maybe?). I've also been working, so I can eat and pay rent.

On top of all this, I've been trying to prepare for Pole Divas. It's not been easy as I'd planned to ease myself into starting at the beginning of November. Stupidly, I injured my arm on my birthday (I'd jammed with people during the afternoon and hurt it and then pole danced at night) and had to give it a rest (I couldn't brush my hair without my shooting pains in my elbow). Fortunately, the week's rest I gave it helped heal it, but my practice time was cut to a week and a half - and I had to ease back into putting weight on my arm. Yes, it was the best thing to do for me long term, but it's left me in a panic as I feel under prepared.

I managed to send in a piece of rubbish work today. I also missed a supervision meeting today as I thought it was tomorrow. It's been rearranged to Friday (funnily enough, for after I go for waxing - it remains to be seen which is the more painful experience).

I so desperately do not want to make a fool of myself on Sunday. I know if I can relax, enjoy, and take the time over my moves and all, I'll be fine, but I'm just not feeling it. I wish I had about 6 more hours in each day. In all honesty, I'll be glad when this pressure is over and pole dancing is one less thing I have to worry about. I can go back to just messing around and enjoying myself. Come December there are all sorts of exciting things happening pole wise. There's the studio's Christmas party, which looks to be fun, the launch of Deb Riley's British Pole Academy, something I can't wait to attend (It has amazing performances! And a giant pole jam!) and excitingly, Jenyne Butterflys' UK tour and I'm sharing a 121 lesson with another poler. Jenyne Butterfly is my absolute aspirational standard. She' s so strong, controlled, innovative and such a beautiful performer. I can't wait.

I'm looking forward to resting physically without guilt. I want to go back and do some trapeze to sort out what I've done to my upper back through pole (one handed bow and arrows do something weird to my spine - trapeze and some belly dancing isolations have been the things that put it back in place). I also want to be open about what I'm doing. I feel like I have to hoard my practices whilst I'm preparing for competitions. I really wish I had opportunities to perform that weren't competitions. Performances where I wasn't being judged in some manner where I could just have fun. But I don't here at the moment.